Many thanks to Georgina and Clive Bartlett at Saltwater PR for awarding me this trophy at the Southampton Boat Show in recognition of my admittedly tireless work. As you can see I have placed the wistful Saltwater Seagull on my desk where he can look out past the Tate Modern, St Paul’s Cathedral, etc, and dream of finer things.

As the recipient of the first ever ‘Bottoms and Fetishes Award’ I’m thrilled to get such encouragement, as there is much work still to be done in this very wide field.

Lovely as the trophy is, I can commend another idea for future winners. A couple of years ago a friend whose family agreed to make Christmas presents for each other rather than buying them received a beautiful scalloped bowl from her 18-year-old nephew.

She exclaimed how lovely it was and asked what it was for. “You could use it for nuts,” he suggested. “Because it’s a plaster cast of my bottom.”

So mull it over, George (or Clive): a little idea for next year?